Bridezilla

As you probably know or heard, or I don't know maybe I post it somewhere that I am getting married. Ugh, yes. Not the kind of ugly ugh, but nervous ugh. I didn't really tell a lot of people because I was so afraid to plan, I know Allah's plan is the best but as a human being, of course and it is super crucial for me to feel sad and disappointed should my plan failed. Because, apparently I am just a normal human being and to add to the drama, I am stubborn. 

By this time, a small preparation for my wedding day has begun. Do I get anxieties? All the freaking time, but handling it like a pro, the anxiety I mean, not the preparation. But if you need to know, I became the bridezilla. Everything doesn't seem to work on me or for me. Just few days ago I had a disagreement with my family about my wedding, and instead of facing it, I went to do my hair. I know, stop judging. Hashtag, priority.

I think my wedding preparation's timing is great, not too late and not too early. Just in between! But I don't know why I get the anxiety. Even when I go cari kain, I had a mini argument with the sales assistant, told her I want off white. She went and show me, the off white duchess that looks like a white to me. I said, are you sure? She said, yes this is for wedding. Okay, I know it is for wedding but are you sure the colour is off white? And then, she brings in another colour just to justify the whole situation and said "yang ini putih, yang itu off white miss" and then I was still in denial but before I make any scenes, I decided to take a few steps back and forth before deciding, maybe she realize I was afraid of making the wrong decision. So, she explained everything again and then I showed her the baju that I wanna do, and she said "Wah, cantiknya" with a tawau slang. Yes, very cantik right. That's why I cannot make any wrong decision :') but, hm I just went for it and took it. "Okay 4 setengah meter lah" I said while putting my trust in Allah. Ugh, so complicated right. 

And then I went back home thinking, is it really off white.. and compare it with an off white tudung that I have. Turns out, no. It looks a bit more white than the tudung itself. Panic? Not yet. Told myself it is okay. When I went to send my kain to the tailor, which is my good friend, it was just a short and straightforward meeting. Just like how I imagine everything should be, short and super straightforward. Everyone understand what I want and make it happen. Walking out from the store, I told myself okay. No more thinking about it. But then, not even 30 minutes after. I whatsapp my friend and said "Can you make the tangan be like this?" and then she said, yes! Oh thank God. Again, I put my trust in Allah. 

Bought 6 sets of kain for my bridesmaid. Made a bridesmaid proposal for each one of them, more like forcing them to just go. And alhamdulillah, settle on that. I really need my best friends on my big days, mostly because they know me too well. Gave them plain kain so they know how I felt on deciding my baju kahwin. Now, just have to do few more important things once Ewe is back. Bebeng couldn't come to my wedding because apparently, she'll be going back to Shah Alam for her studies. It was so sad that I couldn't really accept the truth but it's okay bestie, go and chase your dreams! I will be rooting for you, while panicking over my wedding. 

So many things I have prayed so hard to Allah for my wedding, and one of it is to have all of my siblings on my wedding day. So, let's hope that will come true. Since I won't have my dad around, at least it is something that my dad will be proud of, that all of his children are together and I just thought having all my siblings in the same room would be nostalgic and cute. 

But,

I just hope everything turns out perfectly, if not perfect at least a near-perfect. And at this moment, I just hope my eczema won't attack me so I have a very nice skin, that I can sleep peacefully so I wont look so haggard, that my work is okay so I tidak stress. But the first three things are already happening right now. Haa! Wish my fiance is here, hm not that he can do anything but at least we be stress together, but instead he suggest that we go diet and exercise together so we will look nice on our wedding attire.This smart boy, I have to agree lah, while scrolling through shoppee for some detox drinks.. hehe because i don't have time for the suggestions *add to cart* // before anyone come to me with lecture, I was just kidding!

In a nutshell.

 A week in 2022, I'd say mine has been hectic. I sent in my resignation letter, and was called and asked "Why?", kind of too stunned to speak, should I say "you treated us badly." or "work overload with so minimum pay" but oh, I didn't. After a long of, talk with my management, I decide to take a step back and say wait, perhaps next week. This week, we enjoy first lah, still new year mah. But then, Chinese New Year is coming... LOL. Guess we drag some more leh.

Anyhoo, yes 2021 in a nutshell was unpredictable. Let's recap in the simplest summary ever:

2021 I got my first ever decent job, alhamdulillah. Had work anxiety, cried in the bathroom, restroom, too stressed out, best friend got married to now the love of her life, (funny story not one of us ever meet her husband, it was an arranged marriage that ends up beautifully), sister got instant married, Aqief Noah was born, had a lot of  talks about istikharah with Ewe, and then he said let's get engaged after less than a year of knowing each other, so we did and despite what anyone has to say, we put all of our fears in the hand of God. Lost a dad figure who we loved dearly but we all know God loves him more then any of us and then, God shows His love and mercy to my grandma and alhamdulillah she is healthy like a champ! Ewe flew back to KL, long distance for the first time in forever since we ever been together, been into a lot of heat arguments, fights and whatsoever, had the best surprise from my best friends, suddenly another best friend got engaged and end the year with one night stay with my main B! 

So yes 2021 was full of unpredictable events that no one ever saw it coming. I didn't know that I will have a love hate relationship with my current work, didn't know that the guy who try to find out who the hell I am by reading my blog, is now my fiance, was already prepared to be in a long distance but didn't know it would make me so sad (Huh?). But yes, aturan Allah is the best, despite everything. 

Opposite of each other.

 Ewe and I, we are totally from two different worlds. A total opposite if you must know. He is super friendly and talkative, while I am a very.. shy person. He can be very understanding, while I am not. He is impulsive, and I am proudly not. I am super clingy, and he obviously is not. He loves a big circle, I prefer a small circle. 

But behind closed curtains, we match each other perfectly. Times when I do not choose violence to the people who did me wrong, he will choose it for me. When I am shy to talk, he will talk for me. When I cannot understand a situation, he steps in and helps me to understand. He is impulsive and so before he wanted to buy anything, he will ask for my advice, but even after a piece of long advice, he will still buy it, and just like you, I do not understand why either. And at times when I am super clingy, he will call and accompany me to sleep even if he is busy with works. 

There are times when we really don't understand each other, not that we couldn't but we just choose not to. Times when we really hate each other's presence and it is completely normal to have a rollercoaster feeling towards each other but do I want to get rid of him? No, because I'd choose his annoyance over anything every day. 

Fast forward today, I could never imagine being with the guy who said hi and sent me a long paragraph about my blog writing. And ever since that, we never stopped talking. I hope we will never, because no matter how boring the topic is if it is Ewe that talks, I'd still listen until I am annoyed. 

Bubs, if you are reading this by any chance, thank you and can we please get the bag that I wanted?

Crazy.

 When you see me around my family, I am a whole different person. I get angry so easily, rebel will be my middle name, and whatever word that define a very rude girl, is what define me; when I am around my family.

But yes, I am in a whole different mood when I am with my family that you might think I hate them. I do not, I do love them and you can try by poking them or try to say something bad about them. I remember when my sister was attacked, on Facebook and reading the comments, even if some of it might be true (Teehee!) I still hate it and I hate the fact that my sister is too stupid to even stand for herself. She did, but extra efforts please! So I barge in. Not my best decision, but I did. 

Every time the twins come home from boarding school, my first question is "Ada orang buli kamu?" and I will asked my little sister to stand up for herself. Slap some face if she need to, but of course she doesn't need to. Her words are already as sharp as a knives. The funniest thing is, I am always in a heat arguments with my mom, but one time a friend said something about my mom, I cut the cord. Na'ah. 

I am mean to my family because I got the access card, the VIP card, it doesn't mean that I hate them. But if you are mean to my family, I dont go laugh and join you. I will be against you, and join them. Crazy but true!

Overcoming the fears..

 The problem with me is everytime I achieve certain heights, whether it is expected or unexpected.. I get anxiety. I thought I wont be able to do much, to go to the next step. But they said, great power comes with great responsibility. It doesn't make any sense at first, but hey I'm trying to understand it better now. 

Hate that I always found myself in the same spot even after a few months. Rasa mcm all this time, all the efforts, I am still going back to the first spot. Losing motivations, yes. That's the thing with me, I lose motivation so easily. You can push me with zero force, and then boom! Lost the motivation, like a dust! 

But as they said, great power of course will come with great responsibility. And by understanding the responsibility, one must learn and copy from the now successful people. Ya, it is hard sometimes. Especially when you're your biggest enemy. Always look down on myself, and thought neh, mimpi lah!

But, deep down I do believe that if you can dream it, you can achieve it. Even if you just hit the 'almost there' steps, well, for me, still a big achievement I guess. 

So, now. If anyone ask me, what will be my goal. I'd say, overcoming the fears, the anxieties, the overthinking. Here's to proving myself that yes, I can dream it and I can do it <3

The person.

I think everyone will eventually have one. When the world is against you, or it's 2pm and your work become so hectic, or when your own thoughts try to destroy you; who is the first person that came into your mind to run to, to hug, to cry, to just whine about it? 

We all have our own person, and just like you, I have mine too. No matter how big the fight is, no matter how long we are sulking, no matter how heat the arguments and how every arguments will end with ''I hate you''.. sometimes when I saw something funny, I'd smirk and think of my person. The first person I wanna share and tell everything that happens. Even the tiniest, silliest things. 

The person I prayed to Allah, but it wasn't the normal prayers. I prayed to Allah to remove him if he is not good to me, turn me into a heartless woman so I won't get hurt, if he is not the one for me, help me to be strong and let go. But here we are, fast forward to today.. still with the same person, discussing future and giving opinions. And nothing that I loved more than Allah's plan. 

Baby steps to a better; NZA.

Believe me when I say, no one will want to stay in the same place. But to be istiqamah in a world full of, funs, musics, fashionistas, is hard. To just stay rigid in one place, can be so hard. 

But, what is the definition of being better for you? 

Mine would be, staying kind. Growing up, I wasn't a nice person, I admit that. So growing up, I am glad I was surround with people that always show kindness. Even by doing tiniest tiniest things. I didn't know the power of sadaqah (giving) until I reach, probably 21. When schoolmates come into our class and ask for donation for someone who lost his parents, or someone who lost their house, or just someone who is sick. I thought I should help. Because it would be weird if everyone put at least RM1 and I didn't put anything. 

But as I turn 21, I realized a lot of things happen when you started being kind. Though it is hard. Especially when I am too, sensitive and having so bad temper. But, being 21. So young but so matured by the circumstances and everything around you. When I lost my dad, apart of me was so angry, by so many things. But one of it is, not finding the reason why I have to lost my dad. It is crazy because I am always the troublemaker since I was a kid, so many things I have done that if my parents had the choice to switch me with some other kids, I bet they would. And then turning 22 during pandemic, oh I wish I was smart. The phrase that I will say when friends or my now fiance then boyfriend always try to lecture me on things I'm doing, "Oh I am a smart girl, I know what I'm doing"; by being stupid.

I remember everything I have done to people, precisely. And oh God, all I can do is pray to Allah that one day, they will forgive the younger me. But as much as I wish people will forgive me, I seek forgiveness from myself the most. 

23, when I got engaged to the one person I never thought I will be with, a very good friend of mine asked "What's next for Yana Atyka?" Honestly true, what's next for me? What's more in the market for me? So crazy. In few more months, I'll be 24 and with God's will and my family's blessings, I will be a wife. 

So I thought, what's next? A better me, I bet. I might haven't done enough in my younger years, but it is enough to teach me a life lessons. To be very honest, looking back at the crazy times, I don't think I will ever regret doing everything when I was young but I am just thankful that God shows me the way before I get so lost..

 So now, I am currently trying to be a better me, creating a kinder hearts, and please believe me it is not easy. There are times when I stumbled on my own feet, times when I thought ah malas esok masih ada, but deep down I know, tiada jaminan untuk hari esok. 

If you thought I am going to be a perfect muslimah, hm lambert lagi. This baby steps I am taking, will have a lot of checkpoint and every checkpoints hold a mini dream and doa yang tidak pernah putus minta kepada Ilahi. So please don't expect much from me, and your supports are much needed. I am so easily distracted, sekadar pandangan tanpa senyuman dari orang pun boleh rasa macam mau meletup. So, please keep me and my small journey in your prayers. 

- Semoga suatu hari nanti, ada doa dari kamu untuk Yana yang terjawab oleh Tuhan.