Believe me when I say, no one will want to stay in the same place. But to be istiqamah in a world full of, funs, musics, fashionistas, is hard. To just stay rigid in one place, can be so hard.
But, what is the definition of being better for you?
Mine would be, staying kind. Growing up, I wasn't a nice person, I admit that. So growing up, I am glad I was surround with people that always show kindness. Even by doing tiniest tiniest things. I didn't know the power of sadaqah (giving) until I reach, probably 21. When schoolmates come into our class and ask for donation for someone who lost his parents, or someone who lost their house, or just someone who is sick. I thought I should help. Because it would be weird if everyone put at least RM1 and I didn't put anything.
But as I turn 21, I realized a lot of things happen when you started being kind. Though it is hard. Especially when I am too, sensitive and having so bad temper. But, being 21. So young but so matured by the circumstances and everything around you. When I lost my dad, apart of me was so angry, by so many things. But one of it is, not finding the reason why I have to lost my dad. It is crazy because I am always the troublemaker since I was a kid, so many things I have done that if my parents had the choice to switch me with some other kids, I bet they would. And then turning 22 during pandemic, oh I wish I was smart. The phrase that I will say when friends or my now fiance then boyfriend always try to lecture me on things I'm doing, "Oh I am a smart girl, I know what I'm doing"; by being stupid.
I remember everything I have done to people, precisely. And oh God, all I can do is pray to Allah that one day, they will forgive the younger me. But as much as I wish people will forgive me, I seek forgiveness from myself the most.
23, when I got engaged to the one person I never thought I will be with, a very good friend of mine asked "What's next for Yana Atyka?" Honestly true, what's next for me? What's more in the market for me? So crazy. In few more months, I'll be 24 and with God's will and my family's blessings, I will be a wife.
So I thought, what's next? A better me, I bet. I might haven't done enough in my younger years, but it is enough to teach me a life lessons. To be very honest, looking back at the crazy times, I don't think I will ever regret doing everything when I was young but I am just thankful that God shows me the way before I get so lost..
So now, I am currently trying to be a better me, creating a kinder hearts, and please believe me it is not easy. There are times when I stumbled on my own feet, times when I thought ah malas esok masih ada, but deep down I know, tiada jaminan untuk hari esok.
If you thought I am going to be a perfect muslimah, hm lambert lagi. This baby steps I am taking, will have a lot of checkpoint and every checkpoints hold a mini dream and doa yang tidak pernah putus minta kepada Ilahi. So please don't expect much from me, and your supports are much needed. I am so easily distracted, sekadar pandangan tanpa senyuman dari orang pun boleh rasa macam mau meletup. So, please keep me and my small journey in your prayers.
- Semoga suatu hari nanti, ada doa dari kamu untuk Yana yang terjawab oleh Tuhan.